Tuesday, May 1, 2012

It's easy to forget

When things are going well, it's easy to forget that anything is wrong.

That sounds intense, but what I mean is when I am in remission, it's easy to forget that I have a chronic neurological disease.

It is also my most vulnerable time for being extremely hard on myself. When I am mid-relapse and can't move my arm, it's easy to neglect housework, ask for help with dishes, or take a nap. But when I'm feeling pretty good? That's when I feel like I don't accomplish enough.

I forget why I work a modified schedule.

I forget why I only run one errand a day.

I forget why I need a rest day.

I forget why I do everything that actually helps me function so well.

Remission Me can do as much activity in a day as Relapse Me can do in a week.

Relapse Me is shorter and Remission Me has lopsided eyes. The problem (and it's silly) is that Relapse Me is happy to accomplish anything in a day. Showering. Walking around the block. Cutting my own meat at dinner. Remission Me isn't happy with anything. Suddenly nothing feels good enough even though everything is amazing. Walking 2 miles. Why couldn't I go further? Running 3 errands in a day. Why am I so tired? Cutting onions. Why do I need a nap?

I do this every time too. I slowly improve after a relapse, genuinely grateful for every small change. Today I could read for 5 minutes without getting double vision. Yesterday I buttoned a shirt. Last week I used a can opener. Then. THEN. I hit this wall where I am suddenly so displeased with everything about my functional status.

I think in my head I should be working full time, running all the errands, doing all the housework...you know, the things most people are capable of. Logically, this is crazy face, but who is logical all the time? Certainly not me.

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