The End of an Era...

OK, that may be a little dramatic. But the truth is, I've been pregnant or nursing for over 4 years.

When I say it out loud it initially strikes me as a long time, but I only have two kids and women with more would tally up those years quickly. For 6 of those months I was pregnant AND breastfeeding.

But, Aleko abruptly stopped nursing in November. It took me over two weeks to even be convinced he was really finished. I'd offer more than he usually nursed just in case I could, I don't know, trick him.

Natural weaning is supposed to be between 18-24+ months. It's supposed to be gradual.

On matters like this, I always go back and forth. He did just wake up one morning and stop nursing, so that's not gradual. But he was only nursing before nap and bedtime for months and was totally happy to go down without me when I wasn't there, so that's gradual.

He was very irritable in the weeks following. He so clearly wanted to be close to me. Would crawl into my lap whining and burying his head into me, but not that close...

If I offered to to nurse him - He'd cry. Or bite me. Or run away from me. Or smile and laugh at me.

The truth is I was completely unprepared and scared of weaning. There is quite a dramatic hormonal shift after weaning and I haven't been at that baseline since September 2011. What will it bring for my MS?

For the past 4 years, I've played the role of self-sacrificer well. "I can't have that medication because I'm nursing" has been my mantra. It's ok if I'm not well-rested because my babies need me. I can't wear those clothes because I can't nurse in them. It has been comfortable for me to defer things I used to do or enjoy in order to do what I thought was best for my kids.

But it has also been a way to distance myself from people. An easy way to disengage. Oh, I need to take a break from this loud party to nurse. It was guaranteed quiet time. An excuse to "selflessly" dismiss myself when I needed a moment. A re-charge.

I've put off a lot of things...Treatments for medical issues. Buying any new clothes. Addressing nagging aches and pains. Planning career moves. Paying attention to any of my needs.

Being myself seems daunting at this point. I thought I'd have more time to slowly move in that direction.  Physically sustaining another person's life through pregnancy and then breastfeeding...it simultaneously makes you more and less complete. It's a complicated relationship. You have to give up a little bit of yourself to raise young children. They just need so much from you.

Of course, I've been through this weaning journey before.

Zoe was a whole year older. She could talk to me about what upset her. I could tell her soothing words and they mattered. I worried so much that Aleko was too young to express his needs. That I wouldn't know how to comfort him. We found our way though.  Besides some extreme crankiness the first few weeks, he was fine.

He was happy with a hug after a fall, a song before bedtime, a kiss before nap. He was ready.

But, Think of the Children!

Guys. It finally happened. After 3 years, 1 month and 28 days of breastfeeding I had a negative encounter.

Here's what happened.

It was the most gorgeous day DC in July has ever seen and we decided to go to the National Zoo. We walked past a woman breastfeeding a baby a few months younger than Aleko on a bench outside the Reptile House. 

I looked at her for a long time. She probably thought I was creepy. I always worry that nursing moms will think I'm judging them negatively, when really I'm just scoping out their spot. 

We walked past her and a zoo employee with pink hair as we entered the building. There was a camp full of screaming, rambunctious boys inside, and Aleko immediately got fussy. So I decided to join the lady outside to have a baby nursing party. 

I sat on the bench next to her and said, "I need to do that too."

I started breastfeeding Aleko and the zoo employee very nicely said, "Can I actually ask you to do that somewhere else with all the kids walking right here?"

I looked at her and with my calmest voice replied, "No. Actually you cannot ask me to move somewhere else."

Things went downhill from there. She immediately got flustered. Her jaw clenched and her eyes rolled. 

"I just asked you nicely if you could move."

"I know. You did. But, I have the right to feed my baby anywhere he needs to be fed."

"Not BREASTfeed."

"Yes, absolutely breastfeed."

She said something else about it being a problem because of all the children walking by to which I responded, "It's good for them to see and learn that it is completely normal to nurse a baby."

She huffed and crossed her legs to turn away from me. The grandmother sitting next to the other woman nursing gave me a thumbs up and mouthed, GOOD JOB. A woman passing by quipped, "She's fine!"

After a brief silence I felt compelled to say more...

"I'm not mad. You know, maybe you should talk to the zoo in order to find out their policy."

In true teenager fashion she crossed her arms, "Maybe YOU should."

"Well, I don't need to talk to anyone because I know what the law says."

(I actually didn't know what the law says, but I was pretty sure it was on my side. It was the first thing I checked when I walked in the door at home. Check out this link for state laws. You can breastfeed in any public or private location in DC. In my home state of VA, I just can't get arrested for indecent exposure).

Aleko had long lost interest by this point and started chewing on the bench instead. 

When Yannos and Zoe exited the Reptile House, I stood up and said, "Have a good day!" to the pink-haired zoo employee who was furiously texting. 

When we got home, I called the zoo. A woman named Sandra apologized immediately and said that would not happen again. She would be speaking to that employee and all the other employees. 

Women in a Facebook group I'm a part off were calling for a nurse-in. A letter to the newspaper! A REVOLT! 

But, I just felt so sad for this young woman. She really thought she was doing the right thing. Protecting the children from the extremely modest and almost completely covered woman on the bench who was breastfeeding a baby in a zoo filled with humping mice, masturbating gorillas, and nursing cubs. 

Gosh, I wish she'd use a cover

Picture by: By Stan Osolinski

If I'm the most confusing thing a parent has to explain at the zoo then we have a real problem. 

That society has somehow taught her breastfeeding a baby on a shady bench is more offensive than the woman who walked by with her boobs hanging out of a nearly see through white tube-top. 

I do know that she is braver than I ever was at that age. I also know that if she had asked me to stop nursing Zoe three years ago, I probably would have cried and obliged. 

But now, as brave as she was to stand up for what she thought was the right thing to do, I was braver. My confidence nursing in public has been slowly acquired. First through the necessity of getting a screaming, starving infant to stop crying in the middle of the mall even though I had forgotten my nursing cover at home. Then through watching other women easily nurse cover-less without anyone batting an eye. 

Confidence from situations that originally made me uncomfortable. From attending La Leche League meetings where the leader nursed her 3 year old. From the waiters at an Afgan restaurant walking up to the table while I was nursing to take my order and talk to the baby like nothing out of the ordinary was going on at all. From my mother in law asking about how my breasts were feeling when I had thrush or mastitis. From my father in law kissing my babies on the head while I am nursing them. 

All things that pushed me out of my comfort zone. But normalcy only evolves from everyone around you going on with their lives while you are doing something that feels scary. 

So, to the pink-haired zoo employee sitting outside of the Reptile House...

I truly hope I gave you a positive memory to store. Sure. I know I pissed you off. But maybe if you have children and you want to nurse them, you'll have this encounter somewhere in the back of your head, encouraging you to feed your baby wherever you need. 

Weaning Zoe

I think I'm finally ready to talk about this, though there is no guarantee I won't melt into a puddle of tears in the middle. Good thing this is a blog post and not a public speech.

It has been a little over a month since I had to wean Zoe. Had to are the key words there.
As mentioned before, I was having pre-term contractions and it was highly "recommended" that I wean her ASAP. Midwives are a gentle people. They never tell you that you HAVE to do anything. So when a midwife says, "I would stop breastfeeding as quickly as possible if I were you." You listen.

Or, you try really hard to listen.

To be honest, I nursed her three times after I was told to stop. We were testing out some things to see if we could get the contractions to stop without weaning first two times (shortened nursing duration and herbal remedies). But, the 3rd time was out of complete desperation.

She hadn't napped in days due to the whole crib debacle and she was running around screaming for an hour tearing apart her room. NOTHING I tried calmed her down, so I finally offered, "Zoe, do you want to nurse?"

Hurricane Zoe stopped immediately. She climbed into my lap, nursed, and fell asleep. I cried for 20 minutes about how I was taking the only thing that really calmed her down away from her. I convinced myself in that moment that I didn't really need to stop. That people were over-reacting. That there was no real evidence that my pre-term contractions were dangerous.

But then I had horrible contractions the rest of the day, and I knew it was time to move on.

I nursed her for 2 years, 1 month, 3 weeks, and 6 days.

I never imagined in a million years that I would nurse a child for that long. As I said in my 18-month update, I planned on nursing her for as long as it was a positive experience for both of us. For a while I felt like that plan had been unfairly and abruptly taken from me.

It was not until recently I saw we did reach that milestone. I thought the fact that I didn't want to stop should have been enough for me to not have to, but nursing was no longer a positive experience for both of us.

The other problem was, Zoe and I were not the only two in the equation. I had to make my first of many decisions about how to balance caring for more than one child.

This concept is new and mysterious to me. I am an only child to a single parent. I seriously do not understand family dynamics in any way because I've never experienced them firsthand. Once I could see I was not weaning her for my comfort, but to decrease the potential risk to the baby inside of me, it seemed absurd that I was ever so resistant.

Nevertheless, I was pretty surprised over how heartbroken I was during the whole process. Zoe seemed mostly content with the change. She asks to nurse occasionally and when I offer to read/sing/cuddle instead she gets a big pouty face and stares off into space, careful not to make eye contact with me.

Zoe actually seemed to be trying really hard to wean herself starting right before she turned 2. She would often say that she wanted to go straight to bed without nursing, but then she would panic and change her mind. She didn't seem to care if I couldn't nurse her for some reason and she wasn't even phased when I was gone for multiple days in June.

When we were at the beach this year, I sat down on the bed to nurse her, but it was horribly uncomfortable with my 28 week belly and having no way to sit upright. I asked her to sit differently than she normally does to nurse, and this happened...

That's right. She turned to me and said, "I can't nurse like this."

Is that ridiculous or what?

Then she got up, walked away from me and asked Yannos to put her in bed. It was maybe the hardest we've ever laughed.

If anyone wanted to make an argument about what makes a child too old to nurse, this would be a pretty good one.

The point is, she was slowly getting there on her own. That made the whole process a million times easier and it was still pretty distressing for me.

A lot of people ask me what my plan is now for her and the new baby.

Originally, I thought we would just pick it back up at 37 weeks, but that seems silly now that she did so well with the transition. I like the new routine she has, but I'm not sure I'm interested in telling her she can't nurse if she wanted to try after baby brother gets here.

Basically...I have no idea and that's OK.

This is a story

I will tell you now, if you don't care for stories about being a mom or think breastfeeding is weird, then you need to close your eyeballs and move along.

Nursing doesn't get more public than the doorway of a bank at the base of the Acropolis in Athens, Greece

This is a story...

If you asked me 2 years ago how long I was planning to breastfeed, I would have said, "probably not at all."

One obstetrician in my office had a very convincing argument for why I should not even attempt to nurse. You see, before I got pregnant I was on medications that are toxic to unborn children and dangerous to nursing babies. Yay drugs! We were prepared for a scenario where an early relapse after delivery would mean I needed to be back on those baby killing drugs ASAP. At 4 months pregnant, emotionally it was hard to give that possibility up, but logically it made sense.

Well, anyone who knows me is aware that the above scenario was not the case. In real life, my experience has been quite the opposite. I have been successfully, happily, and for the most part, healthily nursing Zoe for 18 months.

That's right 18 MONTHS. 

I have now gotten to the point that even nursing moms pause a while before asking, "Oh wait, how old is she?"

I have heard many people say they think a child is too old to nurse when they can ask for it. It's one of the most puzzling arguments I have ever heard and here is my reasoning.

At this age, Zoe actually asks to nurse by saying the word, "nurse."  It seems she meets the above criteria of being "too old". But, at 14 months she asked to nurse by signing "milk". At 10 months, she crawled into my lap. At 5 months, she cried. At 3 days, she rooted.

I took all of these behaviors as asking to nurse. They transitioned seamlessly into one another. Today wasn't that different from 10 days ago. 7 months ago wasn't that different from 8 months ago. The change from one day to the next is hardly noticeable, but now I have been nursing for 18 months, and we are worlds away from when she first latched at 5 minutes old.

These days, when her head is cradled in the crook of my arm, my outstretched fingers only reach the small of her back instead of her toes. She lies heavily across my lap instead of having to delicately hold her. She is simultaneously completely different and exactly the same.

I honestly don't remember the early days. And by days, I mean months. It probably sounds like we never struggled. Not because that was actually the case (we had thrush for 9 weeks), but because my mind just deleted it.

I used to only have 20 minutes in between feedings.
I used to cry at night about not being able to wean her off of using a nipple shield.
I used to eat carrots and string cheese at 3am because I was starving every time I fed her.

These are vague memories, veiled by fatigue and hormones.

Now, I plan on nursing as long as the situation is a positive experience for both of us. Currently, it is a symbiotic relationship. Mutually beneficial. I truly believe it has kept my MS symptoms in check, but the research is conflicting. In 2009 research said it helped. In 2011 research said it didn't.

I've had to seriously consider weaning on two occasions.

1.) At around 9 months when she was requiring an hour of rocking/bouncing after each night time feeding and crying for 2-3 feedings per night. I could feel the energy leaking from my body. Many sleep advice books made it sound like the only way to stop the night time feedings was weaning all together. The thought of weaning her was panicking me, so I obviously needed to find a different solution.

2.) At 16 months, I had an episode of severe fatigue and my functional status really declined this September. I was considering going back on some of those medications mentioned earlier. This time, I wasn't panicked: weaning at 16 months was fine with me. I didn't love that it wasn't on her terms. But more importantly, nursing is the easiest and best tool I had to comfort, calm, and distract her. I feared taking that option away would actually be more physically demanding on me. It just seemed counterproductive.

So even though extended nursing has documented benefits. I really feel like Zoe is the one giving me the gift.